Controlling your feelings

There are several trains of homophobic thought among people who are anti-gay, particularly religious people who are anti-gay. One is that gay people are just plain evil; they do bad because they are bad, and so on. Another is that they are misguided; something happened along the way that fucked them up and made them think that they feel this way, but of course, they don't really, because God would never design someone to feel this way on purpose. Then there is another theory that, yes, romantic feelings toward people of the same sex are natural, but rather than something to be embraced, they are put there as a hurdle...you know, like a test from God, to see if you have the willpower to overcome them and live a morally upright life, (ie, tie yourself up in an "opposite marriage" and make babies with your opposite-sex partner). Of course, there may be other anti-gay theories that I'm not identifying right now, but these seem to be the ones that I see recurring a lot. I've also made the observation that Evil Theory might be older, (although it is alive and well,) Fucked-Up Theory is like a historical connector between Evil Theory and Control-Your-Feelings Theory, but Control-Your-Feelings Theory is gaining a lot of momentum with the conservatives, (like Ted and Gayle Haggard, for example.) I suspect that the reason is that gay folk are visible enough now that haters have a hard time convincing people that they are the wanton murderers that they alleged in Days of Yore, and that they come from many diverse backgrounds of varying levels of fucked-upness, that it's even hard to blame their environments anymore. The only theory left for anti-gay conservatives is Control-Your-Feelings Theory.

When the anti-gay family member of a gay person learns of their relative's gayness, they sometimes have to muddle their way upward through all these theories on the way toward acceptance. Let's say there is this (hypothetical, of course) lesbian, whose parents generally think that gay folk are evil. Maybe not extremely evil, but evil enough to go to Hell when they die, just the same. They have a hard time believing that their own offspring could be evil, (which isn't surprising; even people with truly evil offspring have a hard time believing that little Teddy or little Jeff could actually kill all those people and chop them to bits.) Evil theory doesn't hold up long for the lesbian's parents, so they move on to Fucked-Up Theory. Was it because of all that simultaneous sexual harassment and rejection from boys at school? Was it because we signed the waiver to keep her out of Comprehensive Health Day? (and so on.) Eventually, they move on to Control-Your-Feelings Theory. Perhaps God did instill lesbian inclinations in their daughter, so that she could valiantly defeat them, because God believed in her. A lot. And let's say that her parents spent the longest time in this mindset, and spent the next several years trying to convince her to kill these feelings and replace them with others.

Not only do anti-gay family members harm their gay relatives in the obvious ways when they speak and act toward them out of Control-Your-Feelings Theory, but there is a more subtle, yet possibly just as damaging way they affect their gay relatives.

The gay relatives, out of resistance, never learn how to control their feelings and kill off their love when it is appropriate to.

I suppose, in ways, they are not any worse off than straight people, whose impulses have been honored, nurtured, upheld, and celebrated as normal, natural, beautiful all their lives. I don't guess a person like that would have much cause to learn to control their feelings or kill off their love when it is appropriate to, either.

But I do think that after you've been actively instructed to change your feelings, ignore them, force yourself to feel some other way...that you might be more likely to allow whatever romantic feelings you have overtake you and overpower you with little thought to the consequences it could have for you and the people who care about you. I think you might be more likely NOT to realize when the LORD has put a hurdle in your way and challenged you to overcome it.

Suppose Hypothetical Lesbian gets involved in an abusive relationship. Suppose her now-accepting parents try to warn her that this woman is bad business, and she should stay away. "But I love her; you can't help who you love!" / "Yes, we know, but she's bad for you." / "I don't care; I love her, those are my feelings; I can't do away with them." / "You have to."

Controlling your feelings is not a bad idea all the time. While I think it's unproductive and abusive to insist that someone change their orientation, I think the art of controlling your feelings is one that gay and straight folk should both be skilled in. Sometimes love, natural though it might be, has to die in order for you to live. Killing your love for one woman who is bad business is not the same as killing your love for women, but I can see how a person might mistake them for being the same.